A few days ago, my friend Cookie* sent me a meme. (She is the queen of memes and I truly believe everyone needs at least one meme queen in their friend group for optimal memetal health.)

The text of the meme:

“The Ugly Duckling is the heartwarming tale of how everything works out okay in the end as long as you eventually end up pretty.”

Yuppp. 

Pretty much sums up the entire belief system of the Western world. 

It’s the belief system that kept me crippled with insecurity growing up awkward, all angles, wearing all the wrong brands, singing all the wrong songs, and nerding out over all the wrong things. 

I just suspected (read: knew, deeply and truly in my bones), that there was something very off about me. 

And spent years trying so hard to become everything I wasn’t, becoming everything I thought the world needed me to be, because how could my story ever turn out okay otherwise. 

Short summary of the million dead ends I’ve found myself in and lessons learned as a result:

1. Trying to be someone I wasn’t, never worked.
2. My life is working out just fine. Surprise!

Yesterday’s Ayeh event was surreal for me. 

Here’s an amazingly awkward picture of me fingerpainting at the workshop. 

And another picture of our setup before everyone arrived.

Moral of the story:

• I didn’t eventually become pretty or polished or join the cool kids club. 
• I’m still awkward, introverted and say all the wrong things.
• I still listen to the indie bands I used to get made fun of for.
• I still wear hoodies in the summer.
• I still wear high tops every possible time I can get away with it. 

And despite every childhood belief teaching me I was never going to make it, there were 26 women in the room fingerpainting, dancing, laughing, crying, and being awkward with me. 

Sometimes I wonder how it’s possible that this is really my life. That women travel hours, by car and by plane(!) to attend events that I dream up at my kitchen counter. 

Yesterday as we took a dance break after an epic facilitation where we brought laughter and the Shechina back into the center of our worlds, I had a flashback to high school. 

There we were, radiant women dancing to ridiculous music, and I remembered the beginning of my junior year when I was the weird kid vibing to a band that no one heard of and the loneliness of the laughter and eye rolling that always seemed directed at me. 

(The band was Blue Fringe and my adult self still thinks their music is great. I love that they made T’cheilet cool.)

In today's daily quote from Chabad.org I was reminded of a famous argument between the houses of Hillel and Shammai:

I remember feeling this a lot growing up. That I didn’t fit in here.

That maybe it would have been better if I hadn’t been born. 

Someone at the workshop yesterday brought that up too. (Incidentally, it turned out to be her birthday! What a blessing to share that space on such a powerful day!)

And the result of our facilitation brought about the same conclusion. 

That for as long as we’re here, it's important to stay intentional, open, and giving from the wholeness of who we have the potential to be. 

We still have another one day Ayeh event coming up in a few days. 

This one is an underwater rebirthing opportunity happening in Toms River, NJ, July 30. 

I’ll never forget how profound my first underwater breathwork experience was. 

I still remember vividly feeling like I was back in the womb, struggling against the birth directive. I was angry, sad, and hurt at the idea of being born into a world where I would always feel different, alone, too much, and also never enough. 

I struggled for most of the session, hearing the voices (maybe of Beis HIllel and Shammai!) debating the pros and cons of my upcoming life in my head. 

And then something changed. 

My heart spoke louder than the voices in my head. 

My heart said. “I get to choose.”

I get to choose my life and the way I live it. 

As someone wise recently said to me,

“We don’t get what we want. We get what we make.”

In that moment in the womb. I felt myself choose. 

I was going to choose this life. I was going to make it something that was special, and mine. 

I was going to wear hoodies when I wanted to.

High tops when I felt like it.

Listen to whatever weird music made me happy.

And dance even if everyone was judging and rolling their eyes.

I chose that during my first ever underwater breathwork experience and never looked back. 

And now you’re invited to choose your life for yourself in the same way.

Immersive breathwork is a special event that happens only in the summertime and limited to 20 participants. We’re already selling out of this workshop and I sincerely hope you’ll consider joining us for the day. 

If my work has taught me anything about the stories and beliefs systems I once accepted as truths, it’s that the story of the ugly duckling has very little to do with her becoming beautiful or having her ducks in a row. 

It’s about the duckling finally realizing she was born to be a swan. 

Fally

*Cookie is our name for Rachel Danziger, who led our incredible art meditation and integration at the workshop. She'll be running another event in Pomona, NY really soon, and you want to get on her broadcast list! Click on the picture she created below to be in touch with her!